Peeing in a Cup
I'm sure that this is breaking all sorts of rules of the universe, but I'm reposting this story. I laughed at someone else's embarassing moment and feel it's only fair to expose my own. Please, disregard if you laughed at me the first time around.
Being the mother of 5 children, I've peed in many, many cups in my life. Previously, I might have even gone so far as to say (proudly) that I'd taken PIC to an art form. Unfortunately, my PIC Club card has been revoked.
I've seen the embarassing moment QOTD go around several times and never really felt I had anything share worthy. Fortunately, I now can join the ranks of those that wear the flushed cheeks.
I picked up a friend and we went to Sonic to chat. I ordered my standard Rt. 44 Diet Coke with easy ice. Our conversation was emotional and I was very focused on her and not much else. After talking for an hour or so, I took her home. It was late so I just dropped her off at the curb. Just after turning off her street onto the main road, I realized that my bladder was screaming at me. I'm guessing that it was because after driving away I relaxed a little. Regardless, the old girl ain't what she used to be. When I was a kid and babysat, I was always afraid to use other people's bathrooms. I'd wait all night for them to come home so I could pee in my own bathroom at my house. Sometimes if I was tired, I'd fall asleep at night knowing that I needed to go but choosing to wait until morning. When I had my 5th c/s, they had to rehang my bladder. Things have never been the same since.
So there I was - late at night, in the middle of the country, trying to hold back the flood gates. My first plan was to make it to a restaurant that was about 10 minutes away. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that was not going to work. Plan B was my parents' house which was more like 3-4 minutes but less than a mile later I knew I was in serious trouble. Just sitting there and letting my bladder loose was absolutely out of the question. In spite of being in the middle of nowhere, there was a decent amount of traffic and no shoulder. I had to stop at a red light and the shooting pains started. At that point, I had seconds before the decision was going to be made for me. The light turned green and I remembered that on the other side of the intersection there was a little gravel patch on the side of the road.
Shaking, I pulled off the road and my mind raced. There was nothing to hide me visually except my van which was out in the open. I did still have my Sonic cup though...I rolled the window down and flung the remaining Diet Coke out (oh, the horror of pouring out good diet coke!!). Then I needed to get my pants down without peeing on myself which would completely defeat the purpose. So much harder in practice than in theory. As I'm lifting my hips, I notice that the car lights of oncoming traffic are directly in my driver's side window. Who cares? Maybe they could guess what I'm doing but it's not like they can see anything. Grab the cup and uh...wow that's a big cup to try to get between the seat and my legs that are pinned against the steering wheel. At this point, the train has left the station (if you catch my drift) and I refuse to get pee on my seat. I crush the top of the cup down a little, I look the other way and lift my hips up as far as I can to get the cup under. I'm certain that the oncoming people had quite the view but at least they couldn't see my face.
I wish I could tell you how successful my endevour was. Alas. Oh, alas. It seems that in my urine induced delirium, I hadn't considered that I'd have to tip the cup a bit to get it out from under me. Yes, I spilled a considerable amount from the cup. Then, I was sitting there holding a half-crushed, dripping cup o'pee with my jeans around my ankles. I still cringe when I see myself pouring that cup o'pee out my window. I fortunately had a plastic grocery bag that I could put the cup in and wipes for my hand. I even blotted down there before pulling up my pants and feeling the wetness immediately soak clear through to my skin. By the time I finally got home, I was wet to the backs of my knees. Just typing this out makes my face blaze.
At least my puking skilz remain unmatched. Who says I'm not talented?
Being the mother of 5 children, I've peed in many, many cups in my life. Previously, I might have even gone so far as to say (proudly) that I'd taken PIC to an art form. Unfortunately, my PIC Club card has been revoked.
I've seen the embarassing moment QOTD go around several times and never really felt I had anything share worthy. Fortunately, I now can join the ranks of those that wear the flushed cheeks.
I picked up a friend and we went to Sonic to chat. I ordered my standard Rt. 44 Diet Coke with easy ice. Our conversation was emotional and I was very focused on her and not much else. After talking for an hour or so, I took her home. It was late so I just dropped her off at the curb. Just after turning off her street onto the main road, I realized that my bladder was screaming at me. I'm guessing that it was because after driving away I relaxed a little. Regardless, the old girl ain't what she used to be. When I was a kid and babysat, I was always afraid to use other people's bathrooms. I'd wait all night for them to come home so I could pee in my own bathroom at my house. Sometimes if I was tired, I'd fall asleep at night knowing that I needed to go but choosing to wait until morning. When I had my 5th c/s, they had to rehang my bladder. Things have never been the same since.
So there I was - late at night, in the middle of the country, trying to hold back the flood gates. My first plan was to make it to a restaurant that was about 10 minutes away. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that was not going to work. Plan B was my parents' house which was more like 3-4 minutes but less than a mile later I knew I was in serious trouble. Just sitting there and letting my bladder loose was absolutely out of the question. In spite of being in the middle of nowhere, there was a decent amount of traffic and no shoulder. I had to stop at a red light and the shooting pains started. At that point, I had seconds before the decision was going to be made for me. The light turned green and I remembered that on the other side of the intersection there was a little gravel patch on the side of the road.
Shaking, I pulled off the road and my mind raced. There was nothing to hide me visually except my van which was out in the open. I did still have my Sonic cup though...I rolled the window down and flung the remaining Diet Coke out (oh, the horror of pouring out good diet coke!!). Then I needed to get my pants down without peeing on myself which would completely defeat the purpose. So much harder in practice than in theory. As I'm lifting my hips, I notice that the car lights of oncoming traffic are directly in my driver's side window. Who cares? Maybe they could guess what I'm doing but it's not like they can see anything. Grab the cup and uh...wow that's a big cup to try to get between the seat and my legs that are pinned against the steering wheel. At this point, the train has left the station (if you catch my drift) and I refuse to get pee on my seat. I crush the top of the cup down a little, I look the other way and lift my hips up as far as I can to get the cup under. I'm certain that the oncoming people had quite the view but at least they couldn't see my face.
I wish I could tell you how successful my endevour was. Alas. Oh, alas. It seems that in my urine induced delirium, I hadn't considered that I'd have to tip the cup a bit to get it out from under me. Yes, I spilled a considerable amount from the cup. Then, I was sitting there holding a half-crushed, dripping cup o'pee with my jeans around my ankles. I still cringe when I see myself pouring that cup o'pee out my window. I fortunately had a plastic grocery bag that I could put the cup in and wipes for my hand. I even blotted down there before pulling up my pants and feeling the wetness immediately soak clear through to my skin. By the time I finally got home, I was wet to the backs of my knees. Just typing this out makes my face blaze.
At least my puking skilz remain unmatched. Who says I'm not talented?
posted by TheMomoftheShoe | 8:50 PM
1 Comments:
holy crap!! cringing and laughing at the same time. ew ew ew! lol
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